Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
