My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
