you will always have a special place in my vag
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
