It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
