I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
