Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
