Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize