Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I will pee on everything he values.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
