I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
