Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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