i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
