you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
