Jerry, you need to find god
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
