Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
