working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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