True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
