I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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