She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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