She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
