this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
