I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
