Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
