I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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