So drunk, too bad you don't want this
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
