she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My pussy is not your playground.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
