The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
