I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize