he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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