OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
