First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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