Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
