Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
How naked do you want me to be?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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