please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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