Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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