walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
