she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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