I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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