hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
