cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
