I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
