i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
