Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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