you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
