I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
