Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
