i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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