I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
