I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
