Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
