my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
