haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Did we literally take a cab across the street
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
