Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
