My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
And then my night got REAL pukey
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
There's even glitter on my cock...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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