Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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