so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Someone signed my nipple.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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