Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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