the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize