I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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